The self-care PARADOX. What goes up, must come down.

Earlier this week, I shared on my Instagram that I would be taking a couple days off to rest and recharge as I had some friends in from London to visit for the weekend. We hadn’t seen each other since before the pandemic, so of course, as you can imagine, it was quite the anticipated reunion. You can read my post about this by clicking on the picture below.

Now let me tell you, we had a GREAT time. We ate, we drank, we walked all over the city, got interviewed by the Portuguese Tile Museum (random, I know… but that’s my life!), and even went to a drag show (bless those self-expressed Queens). It was SO much fun.

And ALSO… I’ll be honest. It was absolutely EXHAUSTING.

The truth is, I CANNOT hang like I used to. I know I’m aging... (like a fine wine, I may add), but I’m not accustomed to that amount of stimulation anymore. The pandemic changed me, like it's changed all of us, and the biggest thing I notice now, is that I deplete MUCH faster than I used to, and when I don’t have time to recharge, things can go south, FAST.

So, Sunday afternoon comes, my friends are on their plane back home, and it hits. The panic, fear, anxiety, frustration and self-loathing flies in like a Molotov cocktail.

“Oh my G- why did you eat so much?"
"You REALLY didn’t need that last drink. Or the FRENCH FRIES after."
"How could you spend all that money?" "What were you THINKING?” Etc. Etc.

You know the panic I’m referring to, right? That little icky voice inside that just LOVESSS to bring you down for all the “mistakes” you’ve made, whether the concerns are valid or not?

Yeah, that one. It came and slapped me right in the face.

And I let it, for about 7-10 minutes. Cuz at that moment, I had a choice.

I could sit there and continue to maliciously beat myself up for “overdoing it”, which would only cause unnecessary stress on my nervous system (even if my subconscious was having an orgasm over it). OR, I could take a some deep breaths, remember that this weekend was an anomaly... NOT an every day occurrence in my life, and I can very easily take the necessary actions to RECOVER from it. Which, in this case, was to REST, so I could RESTORE myself back to a fully functioning woman who is no longer over-sugared, sleep-deprived, and with a few less dollars in her pocket than she'd like.

So, unnaturally (as festering in my own feel-sorry-for-yourself soup has felt OH so good in the past), I chose the latter.

I thanked the fear-based thoughts for coming up, I spoke (YELLED) some very powerful affirmations out loud to contradict each and every one of those negative thoughts, I drank a LOT of water, and I put myself in bed early. After about 9 hours hibernation, I felt like me again. A tired me, but STILL... I was back. Because it takes time to recharge, and allowing for that is key.

I share this story as part of a bigger picture conversation. Because self-care is not linear. I can allow myself time to be with my friends AND self-correct when I know I’ve swung farther to one side of the pendulum. The gold is in the ability to have grace in the swing, and allow the space for our humanity along the way.

It would be hypocritical to allow myself downtime with my friends, then not sooth myself in a moment of panic as a result of allowing that downtime with my friends. We have to look at this from all sides. Self-care is in all of these moments, even if they feel paradoxical.

As I write this, I learn the lesson even further, so thanks for letting me work this out with you. It’s all about balance, baby.